To Be
by Village
Summary: When Rory gets back from Washington she is still confused about her feelings for Jess. But when she suddenly finds him with a girlfriend, she reacts in a way that surprises Jess and herself. Literati with possible Luke/Lorelai situations.
1. Beginning Again

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Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters.

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A/N: Hey. This is a totally new thing for me. I used to write RPF (real people fanfiction to be more specific - music groups) . But now that that is off the site, I wanted to try something new. I really like the Gilmore Girls and I hope that I can bring justice to the characters and the show. This is my first GG fic and it will be a chapter story. I'm not going to be one of those people who say "10 reviews or I won't continue" but reviews would be great – I can even take constructive criticism…sometimes. ;)

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To Be

Why had she done it?

Why had she kissed him?

Even after six weeks the questions wouldn't escape her. And thoughts of _him_ wouldn't leave her mind. She was going home in one day and she still didn't know how she was going to face him.

It didn't take a brain scientist to figure out that she cared for him. But there was Dean. And she loved him. She did. Didn't she?

It was all so confusing and frustrating. She didn't want or need all these complications in her life. Things had been so much easier before Jess.

…

"Mom, please get off me." Rory said trying to catch her breath as her mother squeezed her tightly.

"Nuh uh. I'm going to hold you and squeeze you and never let you go." 

Rory laughed as Lorelai, her arms still wrapped around her, made her way to the house.

"So, tell me everything." Lorelai said finally letting her go to unlock the door.

"You know everything. I called you everyday."

Lorelai waved her hands in front of her. "I don't believe any of that, missy. Tell me the good stuff. You know – the drunken carousing with Paris, both of you causing all kinds of ruckus with men named Bud and Romeo."

Rory paused for a minute. "Oh right. Romeo. Now there was a man." She nodded seriously before looking around. "I'm so glad to be home. I missed everything so much."

Lorelai gave her daughter a brief squeeze before letting go. "Not as much as everything missed you, babe. I don't know what I'm going to do when you go off to school. I'll die. I'll surely die. I just know it, Rhett!" She said the last part in a drawling southern accent and pretended to swoon.

Rory snickered. "Crazy woman."

"Why thank you!"

"Ok, so I'm going to go unpack and then why don't we do something wild and crazy."

"Oooh. Now we're talking. What should we do? Spring a heist at midnight? Sneak into Luke's and steal all his coffee? Oh. Oh. Smack your dad with my five-inch stilettos? Oh I like that last one."

Rory frowned. "Hey, how are you? Seriously."

Lorelai shook her head. "I don't know. It still...It still hurts but it's all become kind of – I don't know. Chris and I have never been at the same place at the same time in our lives. I don't think we'll ever be. I think I'm just starting to accept that."

"I'm still mad at him."

"I know. But Ror, he's your dad and even with all this remember that he loves you. And just because I'm not ready to let him back into my life doesn't mean that you shouldn't."

"I'm not ready for that. Anyway, I'll go unpack and when I'm done we will…?"

"Go to Ming's for coffee."

"Ming's? Why not Luke's? Wait – are you still fighting with Luke?"

"Uh…fighting is such a strong word. I prefer – not communicating with each other because of personal differences."

"Mom…"

Lorelai sighed. "Rory, I've tried. I have. I've apologized to him like a million times. But he won't hear any of it. He's being so unfair."

"Ok that's it. We're going to Luke's."

"No, Rory."

"Shut up. We're going and that's final. I'm going to go unpack my bags now and you better be ready when I finish. And that's final. No ifs, ands or buts about it." She nodded her head briskly at her mother before heading back to the car to get her suitcase out.

Lorelai shook her head but smiled. It was good to have Rory home.

…

"Mom, stop peering through the window and let's go inside." Rory said before pulling Lorelai by the arm and dragging her into Luke's.

They made their way to their usual table and sat down. Rory looked around inconspicuously for Jess, but he wasn't around. She wondered how her mom had reacted to him coming back. She wasn't going to bring it up though. Bringing up Jess always led up to some argument and she really wasn't in the mood to defend him or herself.

As soon as Luke came up to their table, Rory could feel the sudden tenseness of the air around them.

"Hey Luke!"

"Rory. How was Washington?"

"Pretty good. Yep." Rory nodded and looked at her mom.

Lorelai wasn't looking at either of them. 

Rory glared at her mother's bent head before turning back to Luke. "Can we get two cups of coffee, please?"

"No problem." He turned and walked away.

Rory slapped her on the arm. 

  
"Ow! All this violence. Why?"

"Because you're being stupid. Talk to him. I don't want to lose him as a friend. Do you?"

Lorelai sighed and shook her head before getting up and walking to the counter where Luke was taking money for a bill. When the customer left she approached him.

"Luke—"

"I'll bring over the coffee now."

"No, that's not why I came over. Look, I don't want it to be like this. You're way too important a person in my life. I'm sorry, ok. I'm so sorry. I was mad and upset and I took it out on you and I shouldn't have."

She continued as Luke looked at her not saying anything just listening. "I've had a bad few weeks. And the worst part about it is that I couldn't come over here and talk to you. I miss you, Luke. I don't want to lose you."

Luke looked at her seriously before nodding politely and turning away. Lorelai gritted her teeth in annoyance before stomping back over to the table. "He's unbelievable. Un.Be.Lievable. I practically lay my heart out there and then he skewers it, chops it up, adds tofu and serves it to the dogs. Bastard."

Rory having witnessed the whole thing didn't know what to say. That had been pretty horrible of Luke. Her mom had really put everything out there and he hadn't even responded.

Luke came over with the pot of coffee and two mugs. "I don't know why I continue to enable your addiction." He set the cups on the table and poured the coffee.

Lorelai looked at Rory and Rory shrugged in confusion.

"Umm thanks." Lorelai said, bewildered by the sudden change in his disposition.

"Yeah, yeah. Just don't come crying to me when you're dead at the age of thirty five."

"Ah but what a way to go."

Luke smiled at her for the first time in weeks and was about to walk away before he turned back. "And Lorelai…I uh…I missed you too." He briskly turned away and headed back to the counter.

Lorelai grinned at Rory and Rory grinned back.

It was going to be ok.


	2. Be cool, be calm

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A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews. I'm glad a few people are reading this and liking it. Now I updated this really quickly which isn't really like me. I take forever usually to update any thing. I'm talking weeks here. I'm just warning you guys. I don't want you to expect updates every day.

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Be cool, be calm...

"So, do you have plans with Dean?" Lorelai asked as they walked out of Luke's.

Oh…Dean. Rory hadn't thought about him all day. "Actually, no. I told him it was just going to be a girls night."

"Aww trading romance for a night out with your mom. What a very strange child you are…"

Rory shook her head and laughed. "So video night?" She asked.

"Yes let's. How about you get the videos – any you want – and I'll get the food. And we will meet back here in five minutes."

"Sounds like a plan."

They both turned and headed to their designated locations. 

Rory walked into the video store and looked around. Kirk was at the register arguing with someone over the movie they had selected.

"…but _Battlefield Earth_ was a classic..."

Rory snorted before turning to the shelves. Hmm. It felt like a _Pretty Woman_ kinda day. She was about to head to the P section when she saw him. He was standing straight ahead, his head bent as he read over the back of a video case. 

She drank in the sight of him. He looked good. His dark hair was unruly and a few strands fell over his brow. He was wearing a long sleeved red shirt with some rock band on the front and dark pants.

She hadn't seen him in over a month and now that he was right in front of her she couldn't help but replay the kiss back in her mind. And it came back in vivid detail. She touched her lips trying to recall how it had felt to have his lips on hers for that brief moment. 

Maybe she wasn't ready to see him yet. The feelings of confusion and need were still too strong. Maybe she should give herself a few more days to face him. As she mulled it over, Jess looked up and the choice was abruptly taken out of her hands. He noticed her and she didn't have any other choice but to walk over to him.

"Hey!" She said simply.

"Hey," he responded in turn.

She took a deep breath. "So…How was your summer?"

He shrugged. "Yours?"

"It was fine." She said responding to his nonchalant tone with one of her own.

"Good."

"Yeah."

"Jess…" Suddenly a blond girl came up to them, looking at Jess inquiringly.

He turned to her quickly. "Let's go!" 

"Aren't you gonna get anything?" The girl said this in a low slightly grating voice. 

Rory looked her over. She had short blond hair that obviously wasn't real and looked trashy. And she was wearing a leopard print tank top with low rider jeans. Leopard print? Who wore leopard print anyway? Well her mom. But that was different. Her mom did it with style and would never wear anything as tacky as pink and brown leopard print.

Rory stopped herself from inspecting the girl anymore before she got even bitchier with her thoughts. And she was being bitchy, which surprised her. She rarely ever got catty.

"No. Come on." Jess said already heading towards the exit.

"Fine. It's not like we would have watched it anyway." The girl ran up to him and caught his hand with hers.

Rory couldn't believe he was just going to leave like that. He wasn't even going to introduce her to the girl…or say goodbye.

She watched the two reach the door and their conversation wafted to her as they exited the store.

"Who was that girl?" She could hear the girl ask. Her breath caught as she waited for Jess's response.

It came out short and curt. "No one."

The door banged close behind them and Rory felt like someone had punched her in the stomach. She turned away from the door and closed her eyes so that she wouldn't cry. Taking a calming breath she opened them again and reached for the first video in her view. She didn't really care what it was, she just needed to get out of there, get home, crawl in bed and forget this whole moment ever happened.

She took the video to Kirk and didn't notice the approving glance he gave to the video before he tucked it into a plastic bag and handed it back to her. She put the money on the counter and left the store.

Lorelai was already waiting outside the building when she walked outside. 

"What did you get? What did you get?" She said bouncing up and down like a child.

"Uh…here." Rory said passing the bag to Lorelai.

Lorelai peeked in the bag then took the video out of the bag completely. "Uh Ror…"

"Yeah?" Rory responded distractedly.

"Xanadu?" 

"Excuse me." Rory finally turned her full attention the conversation.

"You rented _Xanadu_?"

"I did not. Take that back!"

"Ah ha, I will not. In fact _you_ should take it back. And do it now before someone sees it in our possession." Lorelai pushed the video at Rory.

"Eww. I don't want to hold it." Rory said putting her hands up.

"You are an evil child. What were you thinking when you got this?" Lorelai asked as they both walked back into the video store.

"I guess I wasn't."

They slid the video into the return slot and moved to the shelves. 

"Don't make any sudden moves towards the videos. You can't be trusted." Lorelai scanned the movies.

"Hey! It was one time. You can't punish me because of one time."

Lorelai made a face. "Should I bring up a certain day last year when someone came home with a video of _Speed 2_?"

"That wasn't my fault. The cover was _Pretty in Pink_. That's what I thought I was renting. It wasn't my fault that some sick freak mixed up the tapes."

"Uh huh. I didn't believe that story then and I don't believe it now."

Rory glared at her mom before shrugging. "Pretty Woman?"

Lorelai nodded. "Now that's the girl I know." She grabbed the video and made her way to the cash.

Kirk looked at them oddly. "What happened to Xanadu?"

"What? Xanadu? I know not of such a thing? Do you, Rory?"

Rory shook her head. "Never heard of it."

"But you just rent—"

Lorelai quickly cut him off. "Kirk, have you been drinking?"

Kirk looked askance. "What? No?"

"Good. Keep it that way." Lorelai put the money on the counter, grabbed the video with one hand and Rory with the other and left the store.

"Quick thinking," Rory said as they walked down the street.

"Yes, I am rather brilliant. I hope you were taking notes."

Rory smacked her head. "I knew I was forgetting something."

"So you saw Jess, huh?" Lorelai asked suddenly.

"Umm…"

"I saw him leave the store a few minutes before you came out."

"Oh."

"He got back around the same time you left for Washington. You have no idea how shocked I was when I passed by Luke's and I saw him leaning over the counter reading."

"Right."

Lorelai stopped walking and grabbed Rory's arm. "Are you ok?" 

"Of course, I'm ok."

"I know you must have been surprised to see him back."

Rory wondered if she should lie about seeing him before she had left to Washington but just as quickly dismissed lying. "I already knew he was back." She said finally.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"How did you know that?"

"I just saw him one day…"

"And?"

"And nothing. It was no big deal. I saw him and then I left and that's it." Rory started walking again.

"Ok." Lorelai said following her.

"Ok." 

Lorelai draped her arm around Rory's shoulder and they walked the rest of the way home in silence. 


	3. Coffee Beans

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A/N: Again thank you for the reviews. As you can see, I'm still continuing this. It's not easy. I know what I want to happen, I'm just not sure how to get there. But I'll try to get there smoothly and hopefully not bore you to death on the way. Thanks again and please keep reviewing.

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Coffee Beans...

"Mom!" Rory burst into Lorelai's room.

Lorelai shifted in her bed, turning her back to Rory. "Shh. Sleeping."

Rory stomped into the room already dressed in her Chilton uniform. She took the end of the comforter Lorelai was using and whipped it off her lying form.

"Wha-? Weh? Hey!—" Lorelai shot up sputtering. "Now, that's just mean."

"Mean it may have been but I have something called school and you have to go to work."

"Boo! No work. I've decided that no one at the Inn appreciates me. I'm going to run away the circus. I will be caffeine woman – astounding the audience with the enormous amount of coffee I intake."

"Right…Anyway, there's an assembly this morning for the new student council. And Paris is making me meet her extra early so we can go over our speeches. So, if we don't leave soon I won't be able to get any coffee at Luke's. And if I don't get any coffee this morning because of you, I'm going to get _really_ mean." Rory turned towards the door before tossing a "you have twenty minutes" over her shoulder and leaving the room

"You are so bossy!" Lorelai called after her. "I don't know where you get it." She made a face before pulling herself out of the bed to get ready for the day.

…

"Are those new?" Rory said looking at Lorelai's shoes as they headed to Luke's.

"What? No! These are my favourite shoes."

Rory inspected the shoes and frowned. "They are?"

"Yes. In fact, if they'd have me, I'd run away with them and spend the rest of my life in sole bliss."

Rory rose a brow.

"But no," Lorelai continued. "No, they are snobs and refuse to spend every waking minute with me. Instead they'd prefer to stay in their box – alone."

Rory blinked. "So when did you buy them?"

"Last weekend."

"As I thought," Rory said matter of factly before they walked into Luke's.

Rory followed her mother into the diner but abruptly stopped in her tracks. Jess and the girl without a name, were making out at one end of the counter. 

Rory hadn't really thought about how she'd feel when she saw them together again, but she hadn't counted on the tumultuous feelings raging inside of her. Anger. Pain. And the worst one of them all…Betrayal. And it was the worst one because she shouldn't feel betrayed because Jess was with someone that wasn't her, kissing someone that wasn't her. He owed her nothing.

He owed her nothing, logically she knew that but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. It didn't stop the anger from burning inside her.

"Rory?"

Rory looked up to see Lorelai giving her a look of inquiry. And she suddenly realized that she'd just been standing there staring at them.

  
"Sorry." She shook her head as if to clear it and followed her mom to their usual table.

"It's Jess, isn't it?" Lorelai said abruptly.

"What? No!" Rory denied quickly, as she turned herself so that she couldn't see the kissing couple.

"Rory, you can't lie to me. I know you."

"It's not him. It's just _that_." She made a disparaging gesture towards them. "It's so disgusting. Who does that? I mean, this is a public place and he has no right to be standing there making us nauseous. He's going to drive out business! People won't be able to keep their food down watching him shove his tongue down her throat." Rory stopped her tirade as she saw the look on her mother's face.

"My God—You have feelings for him." Lorelai said tersely.

"No, I don't."

"Rory. Stop! Just stop. The signs all point to it. Why else would you be reacting this way? Why else would you be ignoring your great boyfriend?" 

Rory shook her head vehemently. "You're wrong and I'm not ignoring Dean. I just spent all of yesterday with him. And you know what? It was great…because I'm in love with him and only him…Mom, I'm just tired and cranky and need a big cup of coffee but I can't get any because Romeo over there is slacking off. Where is Luke?"

"I don't know. But the sudden mention of coffee is getting me all jittery." Lorelai said eager to follow another conversational tract. "Ok, we don't have time for this. I'm going to go find Luke." Lorelai got up from the table. "Are you going to be ok, down here?"

Rory nodded and watched her mother climb the stairs to Luke's apartment. She turned back to Jess and the girl and wasn't surprised to see that they were still kissing. Just as she wasn't surprised when she found herself walking determinedly up to them.

"Excuse me!"

Jess lifted his head and looked over at her. When he noticed who it was, he quirked a brow.

"Paying customer here." She said in annoyance.

He merely continued to look at her, a hint of a mocking smile playing on his lips.

"Isn't it your job to serve paying customers?" She said in exasperation.

He looked around, "What customers?"

Rory turned to see that there were only two people, other than themselves, in the diner.

Rory turned back to look at Jess. "Look, can I just get come coffee?"

"All you had to do was ask." He said mockingly before he let go of the girl, who had been shooting Rory dirty looks all through the conversation, and went behind the counter to make it.

"To go." Rory said quickly.

He shrugged. "Whatever."

"Jess?" Rory did her best not to roll her eyes at the whiny sound emanating from the blond girl.

"Yeah?"

"We should go."

"In a minute, Shane."

Ah. So that was her name. And what a stupid name it was.

Shane? Whatever.

Jess poured the coffee into two large Styrofoam cups and set them on the counter in front of Rory.

"Lorelai, stop it." Luke came suddenly into the room with Lorelai following closely behind.

"Not before I get my coffee, Lukey."

"Don't call me that." He grimaced as he walked behind the counter.

Lorelai batted her eyes. "But it's so fun…_Lukey_!"

Rory interrupted them quickly. "Mom, I have the coffee. We have to go. I'm going to be late." She set a few dollars on the counter, picked up the two cups and made her way out of the diner.

Lorelai followed her out quickly. "What happened?"  
  
"Nothing happened. Nothing." Rory stopped walking and turned to her mother. "Mom, I just want to make sure you know that I'm not interested in Jess. I don't want to be with Jess. I love Dean. I'm happy with him. And whatever little stupid thing I might have had for Jess is over. Completely." With that said she continued walking.

Lorelai watched her daughter and hoped it was true.

…


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